I can't bring myself to unpack my suitcase. Tomorrow it'll be a week that i've been home. I try to feel normal, get back into my routine, but everything just seems so different now. My heart hurts, my head is throbbing, and life doesn't seem to be slowing down. I did something crazy and applied to Grad School. I don't know what to expect, but I keep feeling like I need to do it. My life keeps going like I was never gone, but I was, and still am. My mind is here, but my heart is still there. I can't see myself getting over this, but I feel it quickly fading. All the adventures, the moments, the memories, they're fading away. I want to hold onto them, I can't let them go. That's why I take pictures, to be able to remember every moment I had. These images aren't just captured in a little square, they are so much more than that. Each image is a door that opens my mind back into that moment. It is where I get to relive the emotions and playback every second like a movie in my mind. I've been listening to this song called Fall Harder from the band Fractures, and it's just been on repeat for days now.
I keep replaying the line in my head I've been living with your ghost, stuck in a photograph. It breaks my heart every time. I can't shake the emotions it evokes, it just makes me feel. I haven't felt in a really long time. His ghost lingers, I can't get away from him, he's always there. I can't unpack my suitcase, it's the last reminder I have from it. Once I unpack, it's all over, life will really move as if none of it every happened. I felt like I found apart of myself on this trip. I've been feeling lost since I got back. I can't unpack. It's too painful.I'm not ready yet and I'm realizing I don't have to be.
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I came across Carlos E.Lang's Instagram on the way back from Mexico City. I was looking for the person who wore the Mexico is the Sh*t jacket in front of the Trump Tower in New York City. After doing some research, I found him. After finding this picture and liking his feed, I followed him. Since I came back from my trip I have been in this sad state of mind. I made sure to make this known. I had the best trip and I just can't shake how great t was. For the first time I felt free. I was on instagram and saw that Carlos had done a TED Talk in 2015, and feeling a little tired and depressed I thought I could use some inspiration. I started to watch the video, not knowing what it was about. I tried to watch in Spanish, but my Spanish isn't so great, so I had subtitles on. I started to cry really hard once he said, "When we get back from a trip we go on Facebook and post, Depressed, Back into reality" because this is exactly me. He talked about how Traveling is to Evolve, and how we become different people when we travel. We find this appreciation for life, we have enough energy to just get up and go. The he asked the question Why can't we stay in that mindset when we get back to reality? This is a question I ask myself every single time. He then went on to say that we can find happiness and find this person that we long to be, this better version of ourselves that we find when we are on trips, but it's in the way we think.
As people in this society the problem is the fast paced life we life. The problem is having our feet planted here, but wanting to be over there. When in reality, to get over there we need to take our feet with our minds from here and walk over there. We can't just think " I want to be there," but never actually do anything to get there. The answer is in your reality. We need to seize the moment and live life right where we are. The first time I flew out of the country it wasn't just to travel, it was an escape. It was an escape from problems and issues I was trying not to face. I was hurt, and trying to run. When I get upset I usually run a few miles to clear my head, this time running around the neighborhood a few times wouldn't cut it. I used travel as an escape. It was a way to forget my life, forget my issues, and find a new experience in a new setting. I enjoyed it the first time, so the next time it was easier to book another one. Until it got to the point of shoving my problems under the rug and never really dealing with them. This time within days of the problem rising to the surface, I found myself out of the country for ten days. I realized when I got back how refreshed I was, but I knew it wouldn't last long. Within hours, my reality set back in, and I was depressed again. Realizing I had to face the music I was pushing into the background. I love travel, and on this trip i found myself really being free. I'm the type of person that needs every step planned out. Even as I write this i'm counting the minutes i'm losing in sleep and what I need to cut out of my morning to make up for it. My life is planned out, all seven days are set. Though on this trip, I went with no expectations, no limits, just to go with the flow. I found it was the best trip because of that. So when Carlos talked about his trip to Japan and how he went without picturing how life would be I knew exactly what he was talking about. I felt so inspired by Carlos and his words. I envy how much he gets to travel, but I know my journey is not over yet. I choose to take his words to heart, to keep a Travel Mindset living every moment like it's the last. I want to be free and live freely. This is my reality, my world, where I am supposed to be and to truly be happy I need change my mindset towards it and it will change the outcome. So thank you Carlos for inspiring me, like so many others. Thank you for reminding me that I find happiness right where I am. "I missed you more than I thought I would. I found love where it wasn't supposed to be, Right in front of me." - Amber Run I cried today. I don't think anyone can really understand why. I miss that place. From the moment I arrived, I knew this time, this trip would be different. Everything about that place was magical. From the walks to the Mercado, to the pace of life, everything there was just peaceful. People don't make as much money as we do in the states, or even have as big of houses as we do, but they are free. Living life at the speed they choose. There was beauty wherever you looked. It was a sense of belonging that flowed through the city. No one was judging you, but they knew you weren't from there. This time last week, I was walking to a theater, with him, my sister, and waiting for my dad and brother to arrive. It was a cold Wednesday, We were waiting, hanging out, enjoying the evening. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still feel the chills the night breeze would bring. I felt at home. I was home. The play, although rather pleasant, is not what I remember most about that night. I remember what happened afterward. When we all went back to the town. We walked around, like we did that first night. We were talking and laughing, without a care in the world. I remember I looked around, trying to take in every inch of the square. I was saving the moments one by one. I told him to take a moment and relax. We all just stopped, waited for a while, then walked back to the house. The evening ended around 4am, with music and dance lessons. We showed them our music, they showed us their dances. The night was perfect. I took many pictures on this trip. I always take many polaroids. I don't do it because it's "cool." I take polaroids for one reason. They frame instantly a moment in time that I wish I could remember. They make sure I can look back and remember the exact moment. A window in time to where I was, how I felt. It freezes a moment that I can look back to and smile, knowing where I was, knowing If I have the image, I can never forget it. I will always have them with me, the memories, the moments, they are pieces of me.
I came across Carlos E. Lang's Instagram on my flight back from Mexico City. I was looking for the person who wore the Mexico is the Sh*t jacket in front of the Trump Tower. After doing some research, I found it. I was so intrigued by the boldness of this guy and loved his feed, so naturally I followed him. Since being back home from my trip I have been finding myself in a state of pain, I've been said, and have made this publicly known. My heart hurts, I've been so sad, but when I came across Carlos' post on his TED Talk from 2015, I figured I needed to watch it. I honestly had no idea what he was going to be talking about, but It hit me hard. Literally started crying when said, "We go on Facebook and post Depressed, Back into reality" because this is how I've been feeling. I can't shake the way I felt while over in Mexico City, but then I had to come back.
He talked about his travels, and how To Travel is To Evolve, and I don't think i've ever heard someone put it so plainly. It's true, you become a different person when you travel. You grow, expand, and see the world a little differently. It is hard to think that someone would fine themselves in the same mundane job and routine day after day. When you travel, you break away from all of that. Before going on a trip to Japan, he talked about how he didn't picture life over there, he was excited to see what would happen. I myself and the type of person that needs to know every step of the way before I do something. As I am writing this now, I am counting down the minutes that I will have spent writing and analyzing what I need to give up tomorrow morning to savor a few more minutes of sleep. I am such a high speed person I sometimes don't know how to slow down. I've had people tell me "how do you do it? You seem like you never sleep." Honestly, I don't know how. Two jobs, an internship, and a social life are all things that are hard to balance. On this trip, I went with no expectations, no limits, and felt freer than ever. I didn't stress over time limits and I didn't even check what day it was. I hardly slept, but lived so well. I found myself enjoying myself for the first time. I've been out of the country several times in the last few years, and this was the first time I was truly free. Since I've been back, I've been stressed, depressed, and not caring how I dressed. I have focused my energy on the future and the next trip I could be on, My mind is over there, so I can't fully be here. I can't fully enjoy the place I'm in, because my mind is somewhere else. In his talk, Carlos explains this idea of a Travel Mindset where we find ourselves living in that mindset, that person we are on trips and living every moment like it's the last. Life is short, life is good, I can't change the future if i'm not in the present moment. Happiness is found where you make it and he believes tat you can ind happiness in your reality and not just try to escape it. A few years ago, I went through a traumatic experience, it damaged me pretty good. I didn't know how to recover from it. Usually when i'm sad or mad I just run, I get so upset inside that I physically need to go on a 3 mile run without stopping. This time running would cut it, I booked a flight, my first one out of the country. When I came back I was able to cope with the problems and move on. I never really dealt with the problem though, just tried to forget it. Since then, when problems come my way, I don't deal with them, I run from them. I run physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can no longer face them, I run. Travel has now become more of an escape, a way out of my reality. This time I can't find myself dealing with this one. This time I was broken beyond repair, I booked a flight and left for ten days. I came back and forgot all about the pain, but I still live with the ghost. The Travel Mindset is something i'm realizing I can have daily, I don't need to run, no matter how much I want to. I have so much to deal with, but sometimes I feel like no one cares to listen. This is why I write, not for any other reason but to get my emotions and pain off my chest. I'm an outward processor, so this is my only escape. I need to get things off my chest and forget them, if only for a moment. I was so inspired by Carlos and it felt good to see i'm not the only one who feels depressed after a trip. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with my issues just yet, but I know that I can't keep running from them. This is my reality, this is where I am, this is where I need to be. Fully here, in the present, with the Travel Mindset, making the most of every moment. I went on the trip without realizing the magnitude of the impact it would have on me. Nine days were spent in the place I have now called home, and I would give anything to go back. I grew up in a small family, Two parents, two siblings, and only a handful of people outside of this that were considered "family." Over the years, my very small family has grown even smaller. I grew up calling this person "aunt" or this one "uncle" but they were never actually related to me. I never thought I would have anyone else besides those in my little world. I never actually felt connected. I have grown up in a little southern Californian bubble, this isn't a negative thing, I just never knew anything about life outside of these borders. I am a 3rd generation born and raised Mexican American. I never knew any Mexican history, I didn't have Quinceañera, I knew not a word of Spanish. I've always been considered a "coconut: brown on the outside, white on the inside." I tried to not think of myself as "Self-hater" but honestly, I did. I was one of the only hispanics to work in a white male dominated place and didn't think anything of it, until I found out the only other Hispanics were the cleaning crew. I've never thought it was bad to be a Mexican, I just knew that with my education and because of the life my parents gave me, I was a little different. I always knew I wasn't "white" but I identified with that culture because the only "Mexicans" I knew were tatted gangsters, so in my mind I knew that's not what I wanted to be apart of. After all this drama about Mexicans from Trump and building the wall I figured, "Why does it matter? I was born here." I realize how selfish that is that because my grandparents were given the opportunity to do things right and that I was given a chance, a chance at a better life in the states. I was given the chance to be raised five minutes away from Disneyland, to be homeschooled, and the freedom to choose what I believe and not forced to know a God that my parents said they knew. I love the life I live, but I have never felt accepted. Inside, I always felt like something was missing, like I didn't belong. I went on this trip going to stay with family that I never knew existed. Family that I still am not too sure how are related to me, but that's okay. On this trip I still felt sort of out of place, not being able to speak the language or know how to convert money. As I wandered with my family and trying figure things out I kept thinking of the famous movie of Selena and how her father said, "We have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It's exhausting!" Going down there, I believe it's true. There is so much that has to be done. It is hard to understand this, but there is a lot of truth to it. I found myself open and willing to take whatever adventure came my way during this trip, and I found myself discovering so much history of my family and the country itself. I was overwhelmed with all of it, but so thankful for it. My family is from Coyoacan, where the famous Frida Kahlo was born, lived, and died. I have always loved art and being creative, but I was also drawn to her work at a young age. I first saw this painting at a museum in Texas. I was captivated by the color and detail, never knowing much about her except her accident, I didn't really care who she was. I knew of her and I knew that she painted what she was feeling, mostly she felt pain. Knowing she was from Coyoacan I knew I needed to figure out her story and see where she was from and everything. On Tuesday I went to her park, her house, and her studio she lived in with Diego Rivera. I could feel the beauty of the world she lived in, I was inspired. I wish I could describe how it felt. To be where this woman, who was told to be different, in a time where tradition was king. Where a young woman was able to be free and not care what other thought about her, that is a freedom I desire. I did so much on this trip, but there is also so much I didn't do. I found apart of myself I never thought I'd find. I only found it because it wasn't something I could do, it was something I needed to discover. I needed to go to the church where my great grandparents were married, where my cousins were baptized, where my sister would throw up at, and where the past met the future, I fell in love, with the city, with my family, and with myself. I still feel like there is a lot I'm still searching for, but I'm moving in the right direction. There was so much I have done, and still so much I need to do.
For now it's back to reality. Back to my life, back to work, and back as if this trip never happened. I am internally sad that I had to leave, but I know i'll be back soon. This is my home. As March is rapidly flying by, I can’t help but look back over the past few months of 2017. The beginning was great, now not so much. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to say, but it’s been a rollercoaster. I find myself stepping in and out of so many seasons I can’t keep up. At the beginning of January I was stressing myself out so much. I was barely graduated, no job, and working part time as an intern for my church. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was just so worried. I went to New York for a week and I was coming back with the expectation to find a job. As I came back, a friend who I worked with at my church told me about an opening for a job at the preschool she works for. I went in for an interview, got the job the next day.
Then when I came to fill out paperwork, I was asked by the athletic direct of my old high school to come in and help coach the softball team, so I also said yes to that. The month of February had been insane and brought so much emotional turmoil and chaos I didn’t think I was going to make it, but I did. I finally found myself in a groove and am able to hold my head high and finally catch a breath. Heading out for 10 day vacation also makes it a little easier to get through the craziness of my week. I know it’s going to be okay. The freedom of a five hour flight, days of no curfew and no wake up call is exciting. I feel like I’ve been beaten down from this year already which makes me sad. I was hopeful that 2017 was going to be my year, but now I’m not so sure. It’s going to be interesting to see what is going to happen. We’ll see where life takes us. |
AuthorReggie is a college gradute with a degree in English. She loves traveling and hopes to one day stay on the battle field for missions. Life is a book and everyday is an adventure, follow her on this journey and see the world through her eyes. Archives
November 2017
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