I went to to Tijuana this past week. Going for the day while my father had a business trip. I was sick, tired, and emotionally drained. I had called out of work and went down with my mom for the day. It was all nice and fine, until we spoke of a conversation that irritated me and we argued about it for quite some time. I began to think "I should have stayed home," but let myself cool off and went on with the day. By the time we crossed the border I was ready for a new adventure. I was excited to see what the day was going to bring. My father dropped my mom and I off by Tijuana Centro and we walked across the bridge into the city. My mom was born in the U.S. but when her mother remarried they bought a house in Tijuana and they all moved back down there together. As we walked over this bridge in the hot sun, she began to tell me that she would walk from her house, over the bridge and take a two hour bus ride to San Diego High School every day. I couldn't imagine how that must have been at fourteen and fifteen-years-old. We retraced her steps and it was as if I took a step back into a day in her life, I was taking in every moment. I was amazed at everything I saw. I wanted to enjoy the day and see Mexico for myself. I know I have mentioned before that I've been to Mexico a few times, but never like this. We would usually go when I was little to a hall or to my grandparents house (the handful of times i've been there) and stay for a few hours then leave. Now that i'm older it was finally time to explore. Once we walked across we found ourselves in the little square where the restaurants, shops, and dozens of people were. As we walked through, I could feel the eyes of the people around us. Although we may look hispanic, we stuck out like sore thumbs. People could tell we weren't from there, and I felt nothing but judgement. It was an uneasy feeling, but I chose to ignore it. We walked through until we found a little restaurant and sat down to eat. We also found the little pop firecrackers and began to scare the many Asian tourists that walked past. We had fun and not a care in the world. As we were waiting for our food, at the table behind us sat these two guys. They both looked American and definitely were down there for some fun times. As I continued to browse my phone and such my mother nudges me and says "they're speaking sign language." As I looked up, I saw they were signing back and forth. I have such a strong heart for people who sign and are hard of hearing. It really gets to me because my best friend is deaf and no one had ever learned to sign to help her, so I felt I needed to. I took two semesters in college and was pretty fluent. Now being out of these courses I haven't been practicing as much. As I saw them struggling to communicate to the waiter about what they wanted I began to get frustrated. After sometime they were able to order and were enjoying some drinks my mother tried to smile and say something to them. Before I knew it I was signing with them and we were all conversing for a bit. I did my best to keep up but I was able to talk to them for a while. They were so happy and grateful that we were talking with them afterward. It made me feel really good to show them that they aren't alone. Once we said our goodbyes my mother and I continued our journey into the main cathedral they have down there. It was beautiful from the outside and even prettier inside. I found myself wondering why there wasn't as much artwork as there has been in others I've seen. As my mom and I walked in and wandered around we found this one man who appeared to be one of the refugees that had been brought to Mexico with many others some months back. As we walked past him, he held a rosary in his hand and he was praying in English, pleading with God. A few rows back from him, looked to be a man who crying out to God in despair. My mom and I saw them both and we began to tear up. To think of what they were asking God for, to think that they have their own struggles, it was heartbreaking. We prayed for them and the others in the church as we headed out. I can still see those men in my mind. From there my mother began to tell me that the church my dad's parents were married in was only a few blocks away. I asked her to take me there, and she did. We walked three blocks from where the cathedral was to the church. I had never known the story of my grandparents because they are divorced now and don't speak about it as much. I have been so curious of my past for so long that as soon as m mother mentioned it, I knew I wanted to see it. It was a beautiful church, I felt as though I was apart of the history. To think of the memories that were made in this place. I wondered so many things while standing there. Like whether my grandparents thought that day that so many years later they would find themselves out of love with the person they committed their lives to. If they would have known, would they have gone back and changed it? Could they have moved past these regrets? All these thoughts, all these questions, I'll never get the answers to. From there we took a bus to this cemetery that held the tomb of Juan Soldado. The story my mother told me about him isn't entirely accurate I don't think. The main point however is that, he was soldier who was accused of raping a girl. He said that he didn't do it, but because they found her dress or blood on him that was hers they believed he did it. When in reality he was trying to save her from the person committing the crime. Long story short, they killed him, and after sometime people began to see him appear all over the place. It came out some time after that he was innocent and so because of him being killed an innocent man he was then petitioned to become a Saint. Many people began to pray to him for miracles and and they would happen. So the legend goes that those who pray to him will get their miracle. His tomb now is filled with the plaques of those who have had answered prayers from him. They thank him for healing their mother, bringing their son back home, and saving their little girl. They find some hope within him. Being a Christian, I don't believe in other people like I would God, but I also don't know how to explain this. I believe these people have had answered prayer, but I don't believe it is because of this martyred soldier. It was amazing to see the legend and to see the tomb of the real soldier. After this my mother and I took a cab to my aunt's house in Playas, met with her and my cousins, went to eat, to the beach, then back to their place to wait for my dad to meet us there. We got lost, had some great food, and explored. It was an adventure, we didn't know where we would end up. I enjoyed this day so much. I can't even begin to tell you how good it felt to just not care. To not stress about what you needed to do next, to forget the world you live in for just a few hours and enjoy life and go with the flow. I spent the day with my mother laughing and talking. We did more that day together than we had in a long time, and I cherished every moment.
I keep hearing the phrase "sometimes you need to look back to be able to move forward" and honestly, it's true. I still feel lost, I still feel like I don't know who I am, and part of it is seeing and appreciating where I come from. To see the beauty of the world that made me. I find myself grateful for the sacrifices my family has made. Had it not been for my great grandparents coming from Mexico to the States, my life would be totally different. I am grateful for the life I have, but I also celebrate the lives of those before me.
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Many of you have seen, or heard of the recently popular show called 13 Reasons Why. The show on Netflix that goes through the 13 reasons why Hannah Baker killed herself. She left thirteen tapes, each with a reason why she killed herself. Each tape leading to the incidents that led to her death. We are led to find these tapes to go through the thirteen people that had a hand in her death. The beginning of the show, we find the tapes in the hands of Clay Jensen. I’m not going to SPOIL anything for you, so if you haven’t seen it, then you probably should. We go through this whole journey with him and the experience from his eyes of what the tapes hold. For some people like my mother, it took only a day to get through the tapes, for others like myself, it took three. I had a hard time watching it (plus I had endless hours of work to attend to) for many reasons. I found myself kind of wondering and trying to figure out what was going to happen in the first episode, and felt it kind took a bit to get started. But I think that’s also how Clay felt. We as viewers went through the tapes with Clay and that somehow puts us in the show, with thirteen episodes for the thirteen tapes. Have you ever sat there in your room awake, in silence, waiting for your mind to settle down? Have you ever sat in a quiet room but because your mind was racing, there was no silence? Some of us do and some of us don’t. I think though that Hannah Baker was one of those who couldn’t shut her mind off. In a constant state of noise and unsettled emotions. I had a lot of emotions towards this show, and was finally able to compose them to give my view of it. First I would have to say how I love the reality of it. That they go through situations that high schoolers go through and they left out no detail. From stupid pictures, to drunk decisions, to mistakes we regret, it’s all in there. I Understand Hannah’s frustration. Some people though need to realize this didn’t just happen over night. It was years of pain and hurt that kept her down. From the show we realize she had dealt with bullying at a previous school also, so who knows what had gone on there. Our generations has had it’s share in damage to others. Sadly I have also helped bully others, because it felt good to be on the other side for once. People can be so cruel and mean, and hopefully this show will help others see that they need to be careful of the things they say and realize that we need to be better towards people. We need to be better people ourselves. Overall the show was well done and the cast was amazing. I hope that whatever you got from the show can help you see what you can do to help others and to find help if you need it.
I wont go into a whole rant of “don’t kill yourself” but the pain can end. For many people, they don’t have what I have, strong parents and even stronger God. There are though so many other options instead of suicide. No matter what you have been through, there is still more out there, there is still so much life to live. Suicide doesn’t have to be the end. I can't bring myself to unpack my suitcase. Tomorrow it'll be a week that i've been home. I try to feel normal, get back into my routine, but everything just seems so different now. My heart hurts, my head is throbbing, and life doesn't seem to be slowing down. I did something crazy and applied to Grad School. I don't know what to expect, but I keep feeling like I need to do it. My life keeps going like I was never gone, but I was, and still am. My mind is here, but my heart is still there. I can't see myself getting over this, but I feel it quickly fading. All the adventures, the moments, the memories, they're fading away. I want to hold onto them, I can't let them go. That's why I take pictures, to be able to remember every moment I had. These images aren't just captured in a little square, they are so much more than that. Each image is a door that opens my mind back into that moment. It is where I get to relive the emotions and playback every second like a movie in my mind. I've been listening to this song called Fall Harder from the band Fractures, and it's just been on repeat for days now.
I keep replaying the line in my head I've been living with your ghost, stuck in a photograph. It breaks my heart every time. I can't shake the emotions it evokes, it just makes me feel. I haven't felt in a really long time. His ghost lingers, I can't get away from him, he's always there. I can't unpack my suitcase, it's the last reminder I have from it. Once I unpack, it's all over, life will really move as if none of it every happened. I felt like I found apart of myself on this trip. I've been feeling lost since I got back. I can't unpack. It's too painful.I'm not ready yet and I'm realizing I don't have to be. I came across Carlos E.Lang's Instagram on the way back from Mexico City. I was looking for the person who wore the Mexico is the Sh*t jacket in front of the Trump Tower in New York City. After doing some research, I found him. After finding this picture and liking his feed, I followed him. Since I came back from my trip I have been in this sad state of mind. I made sure to make this known. I had the best trip and I just can't shake how great t was. For the first time I felt free. I was on instagram and saw that Carlos had done a TED Talk in 2015, and feeling a little tired and depressed I thought I could use some inspiration. I started to watch the video, not knowing what it was about. I tried to watch in Spanish, but my Spanish isn't so great, so I had subtitles on. I started to cry really hard once he said, "When we get back from a trip we go on Facebook and post, Depressed, Back into reality" because this is exactly me. He talked about how Traveling is to Evolve, and how we become different people when we travel. We find this appreciation for life, we have enough energy to just get up and go. The he asked the question Why can't we stay in that mindset when we get back to reality? This is a question I ask myself every single time. He then went on to say that we can find happiness and find this person that we long to be, this better version of ourselves that we find when we are on trips, but it's in the way we think.
As people in this society the problem is the fast paced life we life. The problem is having our feet planted here, but wanting to be over there. When in reality, to get over there we need to take our feet with our minds from here and walk over there. We can't just think " I want to be there," but never actually do anything to get there. The answer is in your reality. We need to seize the moment and live life right where we are. The first time I flew out of the country it wasn't just to travel, it was an escape. It was an escape from problems and issues I was trying not to face. I was hurt, and trying to run. When I get upset I usually run a few miles to clear my head, this time running around the neighborhood a few times wouldn't cut it. I used travel as an escape. It was a way to forget my life, forget my issues, and find a new experience in a new setting. I enjoyed it the first time, so the next time it was easier to book another one. Until it got to the point of shoving my problems under the rug and never really dealing with them. This time within days of the problem rising to the surface, I found myself out of the country for ten days. I realized when I got back how refreshed I was, but I knew it wouldn't last long. Within hours, my reality set back in, and I was depressed again. Realizing I had to face the music I was pushing into the background. I love travel, and on this trip i found myself really being free. I'm the type of person that needs every step planned out. Even as I write this i'm counting the minutes i'm losing in sleep and what I need to cut out of my morning to make up for it. My life is planned out, all seven days are set. Though on this trip, I went with no expectations, no limits, just to go with the flow. I found it was the best trip because of that. So when Carlos talked about his trip to Japan and how he went without picturing how life would be I knew exactly what he was talking about. I felt so inspired by Carlos and his words. I envy how much he gets to travel, but I know my journey is not over yet. I choose to take his words to heart, to keep a Travel Mindset living every moment like it's the last. I want to be free and live freely. This is my reality, my world, where I am supposed to be and to truly be happy I need change my mindset towards it and it will change the outcome. So thank you Carlos for inspiring me, like so many others. Thank you for reminding me that I find happiness right where I am. "I missed you more than I thought I would. I found love where it wasn't supposed to be, Right in front of me." - Amber Run I cried today. I don't think anyone can really understand why. I miss that place. From the moment I arrived, I knew this time, this trip would be different. Everything about that place was magical. From the walks to the Mercado, to the pace of life, everything there was just peaceful. People don't make as much money as we do in the states, or even have as big of houses as we do, but they are free. Living life at the speed they choose. There was beauty wherever you looked. It was a sense of belonging that flowed through the city. No one was judging you, but they knew you weren't from there. This time last week, I was walking to a theater, with him, my sister, and waiting for my dad and brother to arrive. It was a cold Wednesday, We were waiting, hanging out, enjoying the evening. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still feel the chills the night breeze would bring. I felt at home. I was home. The play, although rather pleasant, is not what I remember most about that night. I remember what happened afterward. When we all went back to the town. We walked around, like we did that first night. We were talking and laughing, without a care in the world. I remember I looked around, trying to take in every inch of the square. I was saving the moments one by one. I told him to take a moment and relax. We all just stopped, waited for a while, then walked back to the house. The evening ended around 4am, with music and dance lessons. We showed them our music, they showed us their dances. The night was perfect. I took many pictures on this trip. I always take many polaroids. I don't do it because it's "cool." I take polaroids for one reason. They frame instantly a moment in time that I wish I could remember. They make sure I can look back and remember the exact moment. A window in time to where I was, how I felt. It freezes a moment that I can look back to and smile, knowing where I was, knowing If I have the image, I can never forget it. I will always have them with me, the memories, the moments, they are pieces of me.
I came across Carlos E. Lang's Instagram on my flight back from Mexico City. I was looking for the person who wore the Mexico is the Sh*t jacket in front of the Trump Tower. After doing some research, I found it. I was so intrigued by the boldness of this guy and loved his feed, so naturally I followed him. Since being back home from my trip I have been finding myself in a state of pain, I've been said, and have made this publicly known. My heart hurts, I've been so sad, but when I came across Carlos' post on his TED Talk from 2015, I figured I needed to watch it. I honestly had no idea what he was going to be talking about, but It hit me hard. Literally started crying when said, "We go on Facebook and post Depressed, Back into reality" because this is how I've been feeling. I can't shake the way I felt while over in Mexico City, but then I had to come back.
He talked about his travels, and how To Travel is To Evolve, and I don't think i've ever heard someone put it so plainly. It's true, you become a different person when you travel. You grow, expand, and see the world a little differently. It is hard to think that someone would fine themselves in the same mundane job and routine day after day. When you travel, you break away from all of that. Before going on a trip to Japan, he talked about how he didn't picture life over there, he was excited to see what would happen. I myself and the type of person that needs to know every step of the way before I do something. As I am writing this now, I am counting down the minutes that I will have spent writing and analyzing what I need to give up tomorrow morning to savor a few more minutes of sleep. I am such a high speed person I sometimes don't know how to slow down. I've had people tell me "how do you do it? You seem like you never sleep." Honestly, I don't know how. Two jobs, an internship, and a social life are all things that are hard to balance. On this trip, I went with no expectations, no limits, and felt freer than ever. I didn't stress over time limits and I didn't even check what day it was. I hardly slept, but lived so well. I found myself enjoying myself for the first time. I've been out of the country several times in the last few years, and this was the first time I was truly free. Since I've been back, I've been stressed, depressed, and not caring how I dressed. I have focused my energy on the future and the next trip I could be on, My mind is over there, so I can't fully be here. I can't fully enjoy the place I'm in, because my mind is somewhere else. In his talk, Carlos explains this idea of a Travel Mindset where we find ourselves living in that mindset, that person we are on trips and living every moment like it's the last. Life is short, life is good, I can't change the future if i'm not in the present moment. Happiness is found where you make it and he believes tat you can ind happiness in your reality and not just try to escape it. A few years ago, I went through a traumatic experience, it damaged me pretty good. I didn't know how to recover from it. Usually when i'm sad or mad I just run, I get so upset inside that I physically need to go on a 3 mile run without stopping. This time running would cut it, I booked a flight, my first one out of the country. When I came back I was able to cope with the problems and move on. I never really dealt with the problem though, just tried to forget it. Since then, when problems come my way, I don't deal with them, I run from them. I run physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can no longer face them, I run. Travel has now become more of an escape, a way out of my reality. This time I can't find myself dealing with this one. This time I was broken beyond repair, I booked a flight and left for ten days. I came back and forgot all about the pain, but I still live with the ghost. The Travel Mindset is something i'm realizing I can have daily, I don't need to run, no matter how much I want to. I have so much to deal with, but sometimes I feel like no one cares to listen. This is why I write, not for any other reason but to get my emotions and pain off my chest. I'm an outward processor, so this is my only escape. I need to get things off my chest and forget them, if only for a moment. I was so inspired by Carlos and it felt good to see i'm not the only one who feels depressed after a trip. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with my issues just yet, but I know that I can't keep running from them. This is my reality, this is where I am, this is where I need to be. Fully here, in the present, with the Travel Mindset, making the most of every moment. I went on the trip without realizing the magnitude of the impact it would have on me. Nine days were spent in the place I have now called home, and I would give anything to go back. I grew up in a small family, Two parents, two siblings, and only a handful of people outside of this that were considered "family." Over the years, my very small family has grown even smaller. I grew up calling this person "aunt" or this one "uncle" but they were never actually related to me. I never thought I would have anyone else besides those in my little world. I never actually felt connected. I have grown up in a little southern Californian bubble, this isn't a negative thing, I just never knew anything about life outside of these borders. I am a 3rd generation born and raised Mexican American. I never knew any Mexican history, I didn't have Quinceañera, I knew not a word of Spanish. I've always been considered a "coconut: brown on the outside, white on the inside." I tried to not think of myself as "Self-hater" but honestly, I did. I was one of the only hispanics to work in a white male dominated place and didn't think anything of it, until I found out the only other Hispanics were the cleaning crew. I've never thought it was bad to be a Mexican, I just knew that with my education and because of the life my parents gave me, I was a little different. I always knew I wasn't "white" but I identified with that culture because the only "Mexicans" I knew were tatted gangsters, so in my mind I knew that's not what I wanted to be apart of. After all this drama about Mexicans from Trump and building the wall I figured, "Why does it matter? I was born here." I realize how selfish that is that because my grandparents were given the opportunity to do things right and that I was given a chance, a chance at a better life in the states. I was given the chance to be raised five minutes away from Disneyland, to be homeschooled, and the freedom to choose what I believe and not forced to know a God that my parents said they knew. I love the life I live, but I have never felt accepted. Inside, I always felt like something was missing, like I didn't belong. I went on this trip going to stay with family that I never knew existed. Family that I still am not too sure how are related to me, but that's okay. On this trip I still felt sort of out of place, not being able to speak the language or know how to convert money. As I wandered with my family and trying figure things out I kept thinking of the famous movie of Selena and how her father said, "We have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It's exhausting!" Going down there, I believe it's true. There is so much that has to be done. It is hard to understand this, but there is a lot of truth to it. I found myself open and willing to take whatever adventure came my way during this trip, and I found myself discovering so much history of my family and the country itself. I was overwhelmed with all of it, but so thankful for it. My family is from Coyoacan, where the famous Frida Kahlo was born, lived, and died. I have always loved art and being creative, but I was also drawn to her work at a young age. I first saw this painting at a museum in Texas. I was captivated by the color and detail, never knowing much about her except her accident, I didn't really care who she was. I knew of her and I knew that she painted what she was feeling, mostly she felt pain. Knowing she was from Coyoacan I knew I needed to figure out her story and see where she was from and everything. On Tuesday I went to her park, her house, and her studio she lived in with Diego Rivera. I could feel the beauty of the world she lived in, I was inspired. I wish I could describe how it felt. To be where this woman, who was told to be different, in a time where tradition was king. Where a young woman was able to be free and not care what other thought about her, that is a freedom I desire. I did so much on this trip, but there is also so much I didn't do. I found apart of myself I never thought I'd find. I only found it because it wasn't something I could do, it was something I needed to discover. I needed to go to the church where my great grandparents were married, where my cousins were baptized, where my sister would throw up at, and where the past met the future, I fell in love, with the city, with my family, and with myself. I still feel like there is a lot I'm still searching for, but I'm moving in the right direction. There was so much I have done, and still so much I need to do.
For now it's back to reality. Back to my life, back to work, and back as if this trip never happened. I am internally sad that I had to leave, but I know i'll be back soon. This is my home. As March is rapidly flying by, I can’t help but look back over the past few months of 2017. The beginning was great, now not so much. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to say, but it’s been a rollercoaster. I find myself stepping in and out of so many seasons I can’t keep up. At the beginning of January I was stressing myself out so much. I was barely graduated, no job, and working part time as an intern for my church. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was just so worried. I went to New York for a week and I was coming back with the expectation to find a job. As I came back, a friend who I worked with at my church told me about an opening for a job at the preschool she works for. I went in for an interview, got the job the next day.
Then when I came to fill out paperwork, I was asked by the athletic direct of my old high school to come in and help coach the softball team, so I also said yes to that. The month of February had been insane and brought so much emotional turmoil and chaos I didn’t think I was going to make it, but I did. I finally found myself in a groove and am able to hold my head high and finally catch a breath. Heading out for 10 day vacation also makes it a little easier to get through the craziness of my week. I know it’s going to be okay. The freedom of a five hour flight, days of no curfew and no wake up call is exciting. I feel like I’ve been beaten down from this year already which makes me sad. I was hopeful that 2017 was going to be my year, but now I’m not so sure. It’s going to be interesting to see what is going to happen. We’ll see where life takes us. My heart hurts. I thought this could have been it. You played me, made me think you could be the one. The deception, the lies, that's all stuff I can't get past. I forgive you but I can't do with anymore. My hopes were so high, you made me remember why it's hard to trust anyone. You lied to me. You've been this whole time. The person I thought you were, Is not the person you tried to hide. He's the real you, And I finally saw him. He looks like you, but he's not the same. You said you didn't know her name. It was all a trick, I was the one who got played. Like a deck of cards, You hid the Ace of Spades. I can't come back from this. You can't expect me to be okay with this. I can't let you back in, Just to let you hurt me again. I thought you were different, I thought this was it, Maybe that's why this makes me so sad. Life has to go on without you in it. I'll be okay, I know I will But right now i'm not. Right now i'm not okay. As I stand here at the edge of the water, I feel sad. I feel like I'm never going to find someone to love me as much as I do them. I love the beach, I love the sand, the water, the sounds, and smells. I could stand here all day long.
There is something peaceful about being here. Something inside tells me I'm going to be okay, no matter how I feel now. God has me, I know he has a plan, I just can't see it yet. There's a reason why you lied to me and a reason it came out when it did. There's a reason for everything, even though I can't see it yet. My trust is in him, the one who's loved me since before I was formed. I'm trusting in him to get me through this. I know now I'll be okay. On Tuesday I flew back from New York, a day earlier than expected. I flew back because Wednesday, January 25th I was going to see my favorite band Relient K in concert at the Grove of Anaheim for the Looking For America tour with Switchfoot. Now growing up in a strict Christian home I was only allowed to listen to certain things and watch certain things. Listening to anything that was not Christian was not acceptable in my house. So telling my parents when I was nine years old that I loved listening to this alternative band that was semi Christian was not okay with my parents. I fell in love with the music and wanted to see them in concert so bad, but knew it was almost impossible. I made them buy the new album Five Score and Seven Years, I begged for a week and they finally caved. I played the CD on repeat everywhere I went. After about a week they regretted letting me get it. When end they were coming to Anaheim, not even 10 minutes from where I lived, I told my parents I had to go, there was no question about it. My friend Amber and I were dying to go, the only thing was that it was on my parents sixteenth wedding anniversary. After a month of begging and pleading they decided to let us go, but they were going with us. I didn't decline, I was finally going to see my favorite band. The night of the show the four of us went to eat at this Chinese Buffet place and made it to the show for the doors to open. I honestly don't remember much of the show now with it being so many years later, but I remember how I felt. I was laughing, crying, and singing my lungs out. I felt so alive and I knew that I wasn't alone. I was in a room with hundreds of other people who loved the music as much as I did or even more. I was amazed that all the songs I grew to love, that made me feel alive were all being played. I always said I would marry Matthew Thiessen, the lead singer, but I wasn't just fond of his crazy hair or pretty face. I was attracted to everything about him. I know many would say "but how, you don't even know him?" but oh do I. Through his music I felt I was finding th real him, the him that had something to say. The real him the his shyness wouldn't let him be. I felt like I understood what he was trying to say, who he really was, and I was connected to him. After that, I saw them in concert at Biola University that my friend told me about. I took my two best friends with me. They are metal heads and totally not into them, but they went with me, being the good friends they were. While waiting for the show, there was this girl that was walking around with VIP meet and greet passes, and I had no idea that was available. I asked her how to get one, and she said they had to be reserved ahead of time. I freaked out, but asked her if there was anyway possible to get one I would DO ANYTHING FOR IT! Not less than 20 minutes later she came to me and said she had an extra one, and I almost cried. My friends told me to go meet them and that they would wait for me inside. This was the chance of a lifetime. While I waited in the line to meet the band I was shocked, finally meeting the band that had made the music that got me through some of the hardest times in my life. I was about to cry. When it was my turn, I walked up slowly, smiling and before I could do anything Matthew Thiessen walked up and said "Hi, I'm Matt, what's your name?" I shook his hand and didn't want to let go. I told him my name was Regina and that I was so glad to finally meet them. I said I had been a fan for years and that I was excited to be there. I then asked for them to sign my arms, and they all got excited and did. Next I asked for a picture, and they all smiled and we got together for the picture that I still treasure to this day. It was blurry, but it was there. I finally got to take a picture with them, I almost died. After that I found my friends, showed them the picture and we got ready for another epic concert. I saw friends from high school, church, and other Biola students I knew. It was truly magical. Later that summer I was supposed to see them in concert at during the House of Blues in Anaheim, but I was going to have to go by myself since no one else was able to go with me and my parents wouldn't let that happen. I cried all day. My two best friends then came to me saying that they had tickets to the Angel's game that night and ticket to the field for a mini concert from the Goo Goo Dolls. That was the first time I was allowed to drive people in my new little bug, we felt so excited to have this freedom. That was a night to remember. In 2014 Relient K was going on tour hitting House of Blues again, and this time I knew I had to go. I had tickets for one show, but was planning on meeting up with some friends there. Then on my birthday my two best friend surprised me with tickets for the show in November, and it couldn't come soon enough. The night of the show we drove out, got all dressed up, and now my friends were more familiar with the music. We went in and had an amazing time, I was singing louder than I had ever done and I was completely lost in the music. The show felt like it was only ten minutes, but I was in the moment, I was so in awe at how my love for this band just continued to grow and it wasn't fading. After the show, we waited for them to come out almost an hour after it was over. We hung out with some other fans by the tour bus, and even ran into Jack Barakat of All Time Low. He was pretty cool too. When we saw Matthew finally walk out to the bus, he looked and smiled saying "what are you guys still doing here? Have you been waiting this whole time?" A few people talked, and he interrupted saying "can I get something from the bus real quick then I'll come out and talk to you guys?" Everyone said yes and within minutes he was back out saying hi to people and taking pictures. When I was finally able to walk up and say hi, I said "I have been a fan for years and it's so cool to see you again, you may not remember but we saw you at Biola a few years back" He smiled and said "oh yeah, of course I remember, how are you?" (I know he didn't remember, but it was sweet). I said "can I get a picture with you real quick?" he said yes. As he put his arm around me, he whispered in my ear "you smell really good" and I lit up. The biggest smile on my face and I was done. I finally had a moment of connection with him. Others came to take pictures with him, I smiled, said goodbye, he waved. As I walked away I began to cry and my friends were so happy for me. I was finally content with knowing that I was able to show some sense of gratitude to the man who wrote the songs that brought me so much joy and that now held so many memories. His music wasn't just something I listened to, it was now apart of who I was. This time, on Wednesday January 25th 2017 marked the ten year anniversary from the time where I first saw them, in the same place, with my parents. I was emotional, but this was more of a nostalgia feel than anything. The show was amazing, just like the others, but this time something was different. It was almost as if as I had grown, their music grew too. The changes came and went, but it was still them. I was happy again, all those old feelings kept coming back, but this time It was different. I had a great time but knowing all that has gone on over the past ten years made me a little sad. It was sad to think of the people I had lost, the friendships broken, the times I'll never get back. I was happy though seeing who I was then, and who I have become. Through all the changes, the music, this band was something I was still able to hold onto. They were something that was consistent in my life, they were apart of me. I found my ticket from the first time I went to see them, I reminded of when I was also able to meet Jon Schneck (who is no longer with the band) and asking him to sign it. I almost cried then cause it wasn't Matt, but it was fun.
Ten years has come and gone, but the memories will live on. I am thankful for the music, and for all the challenges life has brought, its been a rollercoaster, but It's been the best kind. With all of the negativity about Trump yesterday, I ended up posting something on Facebook. It's been a while since I talked about politics, but I felt like I needed to say it. We as people are free to say what we feel and express ourselves in any way we choose. Whether it is to protest, march, or post on social media. Somehing though that we have not been able to do correctly is accept other's views when they do not agree with ours. The post has gotten positive attention, but also negative attention, and guess what? THATS OKAY! I don't need people to agree with me, and I'm not upset when they don't. Living in a country where we have the Freedom of Speech that means everyone is entitled to their opinion. I think maturity is something we as people of the Social Media world need to be able to achieve and realize that we will get nowhere by calling names online, that's just being a cyber bully. So I refuse to take part in childish antics and will remain quiet on the situation and use my right to speak freely. I hope you all do the same. Yesterday, while being in New York, my siblings and I found ourselves in the middle of the protestors and Women's March. We were on our way to Rockefeller Center and on the way there ended up in the middle of all the madness. I was astonished that not only here, but all over the world people were marching and protesting the 45th President, Donald Trump. I don't really understand what the Women's March was going to do really, but many people are trying to speak out. I wasn't able to be with my people in LA during the march, but found myself in front of Trump Tower with hundreds of others united for a cause. My heart breaks for this country. It breaks for those who feel they need to stand up and protest because their voice isn't being heard. It breaks my heart that we can't come together and accept who this new president is, but then we wouldn't be a democracy. It breaks my heart that this nation is divided. I didn't vote for Trump, I honestly didn't vote at all. I wanted no part in this election. I still choose not to give my input on the whole matter, but I will say this. Protest or Support Trump, you have the right to say what you feel. If we're going to fight for rights by using the "freedom of speech," let it actually be free for people to say what they feel, even if you don't agree. No one is saying you have to agree, but don't say you're fighting for certain rights while taking others away in the process. Its is is hard for me to feel okay in a Nation that I love that is divided. I believe in Women's Rights, I believe there are things we don't have to agree with, but we can't fight others on what they stand for either. I do know this, History was made on 21/01/17
New World Order
Yesterday, I was finally able to see the famous Leo Tanguma murals in the Denver International Airport. Honestly, I almost missed my flight for this.
These murals i had had heard about almost four years ago and was in tears when I realized I had been to this airport and didn't see them while I was there. There is a lot of conspiracy behind these murals, but honestly they are just so beautiful in their entirety. The murals are to support this New World Order and a fight for world peace. Each one symbolizes so much, and although it is meant to be kept out of the understanding of the public many have figured out there is more to these paintings than just the images themselves. I'm not going to explain them all, just look them up online, but they're honestly amazing. From the moment I landed for my layover in Denver, I had about an hour to go, find the murals, and go back through security to make my flight. Once we landed, my siblings and I ran to find our gate for the next flight. After leaving our stuff with our brother, my sister and I started running to ask information where to find the paintings. The first guy we went to, looked at us and smiled and said "oh you're looking for those! Take the train 3 stops to the main terminal and you'll find them there." I smiled, thanking him, and running then down the escalator to the train. Once we we got to the train, we asked the next worker which train to take to the main entrance. She also smiled and said we needed to take the one our right. Three stops later, we finally got our, finding ourselves in the main terminal area that held the many shops and food spots. I looked around remember that my dad said it would "easy" to find them, (since he found them a few months before on a business trip). I didn't have time to waste, so I found another worker and asked him like the others "where can I find the Tanguma murals?" And he smiled and said "I've seen those, just don't know where that one is specifically, you might find some around this wall, or the one down the hall, or... Wait, if you look across from here past these pillars, I think there might be something back there. Do you see it?" I glanced over, and smiled so big, I looked back and said "I think that's exactly what I'm looking for!" And ran over there. I stood there and marveled at it, I was finally able to see the painting I had desired to see for years. It was so amazing I took some pictures and then wanted to find the others. I looked around, and found the others down the hall, ran over to find the others. I saw them, took more pictures, smiling so big and almost crying, then found my sister and had to head back over. I honestly though know there is so much to that airport than people know of, and running through it to find them I felt uneasy. There was an eerie feeling to these paintings and the airport itself. I was happy to finally find them and be able to examine them and understand them for myself. here is a video from someone who explains these portraits a little better than I do. It's crazy to think of how much has changed over the past twelve months. Incase you weren't sure, here's a throwback to Christmas last year and this year. I'm the oldest of three children, my younger brother being seventeen, and my sister being fourteen. Last year, we were learning to get along, fighting like most siblings do, but also finding our balance. A year later, I can't say that we don't still fight, but there is also a lot strong of a bond between the three of us. I find myself grateful for them, grateful to not only have people to fight with, but also people who I can say have had almost the same life as I have. Mind you, we have different experiences, but in reality, we have lived with each other our entire lives. It's even crazier to think that life could have been so different. I don't mean this in a positive way, it could have been different for many reasons.... I love my family, and although we ar ea strong unit, there are sometimes things in life that can sometimes be defining moments in our lives. Things that could make or break us. From my sister having liver failure, to my brother getting hurt in baseball, to a car accident recently that could've had a turn for the worst, my family has been through it all.
I thank God for the blessings I have in my life, and I thank him through the hurt. My faith in him is the only thing that has gotten me through. I can't say that I'm some "crazy religious nut" but I am in love with a God who gave everything for me. A God who doesn't promise life is going to be easy, but that he will be there to get me through it. One who loves me so much, he came and died for me. Now I don't know about you, but finding out that there is someone who loved me that much is incredible. There are days where I find it hard to love myself, yet he tells me I am loved. I wasn't expecting this post to go like this, I never really intend for my posts to go a certain way ever, but I found myself overwhelemed with joy looking back at the year I have had. This year, I went to New York, twice, visited the majority of the east coast, spent 3 weeks in Spain, went to San Francisco, spent my twenty-first in New Orleans, started an internship for an amazing church, graduated college and found myself a new best-friend. Life is so unexpected, this year the Lord has taught me to take it "one step at a time." I find that as I am focusing on this step he will provide everything for the next step. I am not alone, no matter what I feel. He is always there for me. As the ups and downs hit on this rollercoaster, I find myself at rest. I don't know where I'm going to work, or what I will be doing with my degree, but I'm at peace. I'm at peace because I know I don't have to do it all by myself, and that's a wonderful feeling to have. I don't know what's next, but I'm ready to seize it. As 2016 comes to a close, I look back over the year, all the times I almost gave up, and smile. It was because of his love for me, that I was able to move. Knowing that he had a plan for me, (like it says in Jer 29:11) helped me to push just a little harder. As 2017 approaches, I'm finding i'm ready for whatever he has next. Everyday is an Adventure.... I saw the image of this window online. I found myself staring at it for quite some time. I desired to know why I admired it so much. I realized why I loved it. It reminded me of my dorm at Oxford University in England. Last summer I was able to go on a study aborad to Oxford for 10 days. I stayed at Regent's college, in a dorm room that was all my own. Each floor had a door that would enter into a first door that led to my roomate Jenny's room. The next door then led to the kitchen, that had our own washer and dryer as well. After that there was another door that led to my own room. Inside the room, the first thing you saw, that drew your eyes in was the window. The view was breath taking, truly lovely. It was almost the exact same view as this picture held. It was the other set of dorms, but from the top of them you could see the bright blue sky and the clouds that were so fluffly you could almost sleep on them.
I would come back to my room after a long day of events and just open the window and feel the British air. I loved being able to find myself at peace with the view and where I was at. I could look out the window and know that the sky is the limit. It was the most amazing things to see and to feel. I miss Oxford, I wish I could go back. Since I was a little girl, I craved adventure. I always wanted to be able to travel the world, meet new people, and come back with stories to tell. Now that I'm twenty-one and have been able to see some of the most amazing places, I can't help but desire more. I want to travel, I'm so close to graduating and finally being free. I know I need to start looking for a full-tme job, but I can't see myself stuck in one place for long. The older I get the more my Wanderlust grows.
I've heard it said that The world is a book, and those who don't travel are only on the first page. It is so crazy to think there is still so much world out there that I havent been able to see. I've been to 6 countries, 25 cities, and only have seen 2% of the world. Here I was thinking I was ontop, seeing so much of the world, yet I still have so much to go. My life has been a series of changes, and growing up I never liked it. Now I'm so used to the changes that I'm excited to se what's next. I used to be scared of the future, of the unknown, but God has shown there is nothing to fear because he is with me. The first time I flew out of the country, I was terrified. I was headed on a study abroad for 10 days to Oxford England. I would be sitting in on lectures and hear from some of England's finest speakers, as well as a C.S. Lewis historian. I was scared, but I knew if I didn't go I would regret it for the rest of my life. I went, trusted in God, finally doing something on my own, and I loved it. I have so many memories from that trip that have just brought me so much joy, that even thinking about them brings tears to my eyes. When I was younger, I was terrified of everything. I acted like everything was fine, like I was tough, but I was so scared of the world. I grew up in a very strict Christian home that kept me in this little bubble that was between home and church. My father used to have to recite the verse with me God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love of a sound mind. If he didn't go over that verse with me every night, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Now I'm ready for whatever is next, ready for the next adventure. I am such a freed spirit now that I can't even stay indoor for too long, because I feel boxed in. I finally feel free, freed from fear and barriers. I've tasted freedom and now I'm addicted. Trusting in God has shown me that I don't need to be afraid, everything is going to work out for me in the end, because he has my back. Graduating from college is a big step, and yet I still don't know what I'm going to do after, but God has it all under control. I know it's going to be an amazing new season. I'm ready. I'M GRADUATING!!!! Oh my gosh it feels so good to finally say it. For the longest time I was debating whether or not I would be able to graduate in December, but it's really happening. I have been waiting for this since I was a little girl. I never thought in a million years I would be graduating college, let alone a semester early. As I come to the end of this season and move into the next, I can't help but look back on my the last few years and sigh. It has been the craziest years of my life, but I wouldn't trade any of it. There was a time That I thought I wouldn't graduate and try to figure our what I would do then. Yet, here I am.
It is a crazy time and I find myself so grateful for the season to come. 2016 has been a crazy year, a crazy ride, but it's almost done, and time to celebrate. 7 Days in counting, I don't think it has hit me yet, but I am excited to what God has in store. One thing i'm not excited for is everyone asking What are you going to do when you graduate? I know everyone means well, but I don't know yet. When I find out, I will let everyone know, but until then, let it unfold. The Lord has been working with me on making sure that I am taking life one step at a time instead of trying to figure it out all at once, and this step is graduating. After that, well see where he takes me. My life is a rollercoaster, I never thought that at twenty-one I would have traveled to Europe twice, an intern for an awesome church, and graduating with my bachelors. I have felt nothing but anxiety for the past few years, and stepping into this season I have felt I needed to find peace. Nothing in my life is changing, it's still crazy, but my perspective is changing. I'm finding that peace within the storm. Life is good, God is good, and I'm ready for what he has coming next. Today was day two of the ARC conference (Association of Related Churches). They had speakers from all kinds of churches. From Jim Reeves, to Christine Caine, Jesse Lusko, Casey Treat, Shaun Nepstad, and so many more. So many names to be dropped!
The best part about it, was that it was hosted by our church. Eastside, (where I am currently am intern) had the pleasure of hosting ARC. Working with their kids department I knew they were coming. I had to clear out my classroom on Sunday to make room for the breakout sessions. I knew they were coming, but I didn't look into it to see who would be there. When I came to the office to start getting some work done, I was speaking with a friend by the copier. As I started talking about where everyone was at she said "They are at ARC waiting for Christine Caine." To those who know me, know that I am deeply in love with that woman's preaching. I mean come on, she's an English major. She is amazing and I have been dying to meet her. Sadly I didn't get to meet her (again). I was stunned and was trying to find out how I could be apart of it. We had the opportunity to go if we registered through the church, but I wasn't planning on going. In the end I text my friend and she said I could have her wristband. I got it and headed over as soon as possible. I walked in and found my friend Gabby sitting, listening intently, I walked over to her and we sat and listened. I was amazed by her words. She talked about a lot of things while I was sitting there. One thing that she said that caught my attention was that she said Remember Lot's Wife. She was referring to Lot in the bible. His wife was turned into a pillar of salt because she disobeyed God and looked back to the city of Sodom and Gomorrah. She was longing to be back there, her home. What Christine meant by this, was to remember what happened to her. She was reminding us, because that is what happens when you're so focused on the past. In order to receive your future, and everything God has for you, you need to Detach from the past so you can grab ahold of your future. My own life has been spent on looking to what is behind me, remembering what once was. It is hard to let go of the past when the past is all you have. The good times, the memories, they made me who I am, I couldn't ever let that go. The people I knew, the places I went to school, where I grew up. Each step, every place, every person, is apart of me. But I'm no longer there. I can't let the past define me, good or bad. I need to let God define me, and model my future. I was only able to hear her speak for a short amount of time, but I am stronger because of it. You can't get to the next chapter if you keep going back to read the same page. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to what God has in store. For those who are involved with the Christian world know who Chad Veach is. Those who know of people like Kim Kardashian, Gigi Hadid, and Rich Wilkerson Jr. will also know who he is. Chad is the pastor of Zoe Church LA. Over the years he has spoken at many different churches and at many different events.
Last week he spoke at #ARC16OC and taught on What Every Pastor Wants from Their Staff. Sadly, I was not able to hear him speak due to a staff meeting I was in. However, when walking over to our church's Student Center at Eastside Christian Church, we crossed paths. I stopped him for a second and said hello and introduced myself. I have heard him speak before at the Rock Church in Anaheim, but never had the chance to talk to him. I asked if I could take a picture with him, he said yes. Before he left I asked him something that I have wondered for a long time. Watching his interactions on social media, through Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, etc. I noticed something about him. He gets to spend time with a lot of A-List celebrities and is involved in the world of those like the Kardashians and such. In his Snaps, I have heard him listening and singing along to the music of that like Drake or Kanye West. Baffled by this, I thought "How could a pastor listen to worldly music?" Coming from a strict Christian background I grew up only listening to Christian music. I know now that listening to "Secular Music" doesn't mean I'm going to hell, but I also know that there is some music I should not put into my ears. I know that "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34). So whatever is being put into my eyes and ears will go down into my heart. So out of my own protection, I personally do not listen to certain types of music. Although, for many years I found myself driven to listening to vulgar rap music for several years. After sometime I knew I needed to stop, and after spending more time in prayer and the word I ended up stopping. I look up to Chad, and for a time I didn't understand how he could listen to music like this. So I had to ask "Where do you draw the line at music? " He replied, "I know people see me with a lot of celebrities, and I am also a man of God. I find myself enjoying certain type of music, but I will not listen to stuff like Drake that is unedited." I asked him then, "So this a personal decision, but what would you say to those who are seeing your Snaps and stuff and wondering where to draw the line?" To this he said "It is between you and God ultimately, whatever you feel is right for you, do that. Do not compare your walk to others." This answer put me at ease somewhat. I know the way I should live, because I have been taught these things. For those who don't know where to draw the line, it can't be determined by myself or by anyone else. I personally stay away from rap/ hip hop entirely, because I don't feel good after listening to it. Ultimately, you would just need to pray and seek God and ask him what is best for you. Even before we are born we begin this journey called life. We find ourselves trying to live from the moment we arrive. No one told us all the twists and turn we would face as we journeyed on, but I guess that's why life is the biggest adventure.
Over this past year, (since the beginning of 2016) I have decided to let this adventure take its course, I am no longer fighting to take control. I have lived my life in fear for so long and now that time is over. I don't want to let fear take over my life and keep from trying to live and experience all that God has for me. It's not fair to waste this gift i've been given called life. There are some days, I wake up expecting things to go the way I planned, and they almost always never do. Everyday is an adventure, and 2016 is full of surprises. Since day #1 (01.01.16) I realized it wouldn't be a year like the rest. With my Spain trip rapidly approaching I see that this year is continuing to take its course. Over the past week, I have continued to suffer from very intense migraines, nausea, and a major loss of appetite. All the stress from life has been getting to me. Today however, was just the icing on the cake. On top of feeling ill and not being able to function correctly overtime I think of leaving I can't help but get emotional. The stress continues to grow as more drama sets in with my family, friends, and my health seems to be at average. Stress is something I have never been able to deal with correctly, and I continue to lose control of it. Through all of this I have continued to look to God and ask for his guidance. I pray for him to take all my cares because I know he cares for me. It's hard when you're flesh is getting so weak, physically and emotionally, but I know he is faithful. The thing is knowing he is in control of the good things and won't give us more than we can handle (1 Cor 10:13) I know I am stronger than all of this. I know he is stronger than all of this, he will take care of me! Over the past several years, I have had the great opportunity to be able to travel, A LOT. A few of the places would be Indiana, Chicago, Mexico, Paris, England, The Grand Canyon, Hawaii, Canada, Oregon, New York, Michigan, Arizona, Nevada, Washington, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. These are just the places in the last few years. With my dad being the family man he is and also being the working man he is, my family and I have had the privilege to travel with him and get some great experiences out of traveling. Now, don't get me wrong, every family has their ups and downs. However, through the trials we have gone through we have made it out and made it stronger. If there is one thing my family has given to us, is a love for travel, and to be able to experience life together. Now, being almost 21 (3 months to go!) I have started to branch out just a bit. Last year I took an international business course over the summer to Oxford England. It was a 10 day trip of studying, lectures, and sight seeing, I enjoyed every moment of it. I spent my 20th birthday over there, being a family girl, that was really hard. I am not one to get homesick anymore, but being away from my friends and family on my first birthday away and out of the country, it was really hard. I was surrounded by people who helped me celebrate and enjoy my time in mother ENGLAND! After my trip in Oxford and the class was over, a few friends and booked an apartment with Airbnb and stayed in London for two more days. After this we took a train out to Paris and stayed their for an extra four days. We went out to Disneyland Paris, saw the Mona Lisa at the Louvre, and saw Notre Dame. I was so thrilled, but by the time we got to Paris I was pretty exhausted. I had an amazing time, but I was ready to be back home when I came back. The day I got back, I was so tired and wanted to sleep, it was bedtime Paris time, but I needed to readjust. It was so hard to get back to normal with things when I came home, because of my great experience I didn't want to come back. I couldn't get used to being home. I was officially changed. To this who have known me growing up, I grew up with strict parents, because of that I didn't usually spend the night at other's houses or do things away form the family. I was very sheltered and was extremely close with my family. When I was younger I was very shy and timid, I was afraid a lot and had bad anxiety. Going on this trip in general was a big step, but being able to do it on my own changed me. it showed me that I am capable of doing things for myself. Something clicked. I was no longer afraid, I wanted to step out and have this crazy adventure and I did. When I came home, the day after, I had a birthday party with all my friends and family. I was telling people my stories and sharing my experience. In the middle of it, I started to doze off again, feeling like I had been up for days, which I basically had. During my time of delusion, I looked around and wondered "What am I doing here? I should be in Paris right now." I still think of that night often, that realization that showed me the world is really at my fingertips. Since then I have been doing some more traveling with my family, and taking every advantage of crazy adventures with my friends. One of these crazy adventures has led me to taking a trip to Spain. My school does International Service Projects and sends out teams yearly to different places in the world to share the gospel and minister to people. I have had a the privilege to go on one this year to Spain. One of the biggest things that has kept me from joining a team was the finances. The trip requires $3,500 for the 3 week trip. I was so scared going into this thinking how am I going to pay for this? I'm not poor, but I also don't have $3,500 laying around to just spend. I knew this had to be a God thing for me to go. I prayed, signed up, got the okay and took leap of faith. My parents were not happy, they didn't think I should go. In time the Lord worked on them and I got their support. One thing that we were required to do was fund raise. I am a very prideful person, and rarely ask people for help with ANYTHING. Yet the Lord had to deal with me on this, and I am humbled to have been able to reach out to my family and friends to help support me in my trip that I feel the Lord was calling me to. The responses I have gotten have been tremendous, I am truly loved. As I sit writing this, the final deadline is to be filled by tomorrow, yes tomorrow. I owe only $400 now, I am in shock at how the Lord has provided, I realized I am loved, I am blessed, and I am called. As the day approaches, my anticipation grows, but the thought of the unknown is a little frightening. I am not frightened by the trip, but not knowing how its going to go, I guess this where I need to fully trust that I am in God's hands and that his plan is taking me out of my comfort zone to grow me! Not only are the funds due, but I am also leaving for my trip in a week. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be going to Spain, I would have laughed. I know God has a plan and I am excited to be used and to experience his love for those in Spain, I am happy to be used for something greater than myself. Prayers for this trip are greatly appreciated! Can't wait to share my journey when I get back. Who knows where God will take me next? The journey is endless! When I was a little girl I looked up to the Disney movies. Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty. All those movies were my way of thinking how love was meant to be. I always thought that my "Prince" the one I will spend the rest of my life with will come and find me like they found the princess. I had this dream of being swept off my feet at the right time. When I was 16, I thought I met my prince, but I was wrong. I was wrong several times after as well. I am a girl saving herself for her first kiss, so trying to find a prince like that in this day and age is a lot harder than you think. I thought that everything was going to be okay. I thought I knew everything I needed to know about finding love and the right one. I found out I was wrong. I have spent so long trying to figure this out on my own, but I realized I was trying to God's place in my life. I thought I was supposed to orchestrate the meeting and God would set it all up. Four and a half years later, I gave it one last try thinking a broken boy could fix me. I thought if we were on the same path, we might be able to fix each other. I was wrong. Finally after being broken down to nothing and having no one to talk to I cried out to the lord. I was in so much pain I thought I might lose it. I let another person try to be the missing piece I needed to make me whole. The other day my father came home with a book, said he thought I should read it. After reading the introduction I thought it was nice, but I didn't think I needed it. I hadn't stopped spending time with Jesus, but I felt like I was still searching. Two nights ago I came home and broke down talking to my mom on how lost I felt. I had run into a a guy that I hadn't seen in a while, part of me thought "could he be the one?" I have still been searching, not physically, but internally, still searching. I then pushed that thought out of my head, but felt worthless. I told her all of this and she told me during this time of being single I shouldn't be looking for someone, that my life is to be used by the Lord and I am to serve him. I have always been super insecure, feeling like I was never good enough for anyone. Lies I have been told and have told myself since I was 12. I took the words she said and with tears in my eyes went to my room to pray. I stopped and saw the book that my dad gave me a few days before. I sat down and was determined to read it. The book is called Lady In Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. From the moment I actually started reading it, it was answering all my questions. It talked about how I am not wast my free time I have now searching for someone and manipulating God's plan for my life. I finally realized how I can find myself, through him. He is the puzzle piece I need to be whole. It was his work in my life that I was missing. I was lost and searching for love in the wrong places, I can't do that anymore. I know he is in control. Although my insecurities will not go away over night, I feel like i'm making progress in the right direction. I am content with waiting for God to bring me the right man at the right time, but for now I need to just serve him. Not waste my time. I can serve him by being involved in my church,s pending time with my family, and focusing on school. Until my priorities are straight, I should be searching, but then again it's not my job to set out the plan God has for me, I think he's capable of doing that on his own. As the year is coming to a rapid closing, I can't help but feel nostalgic. My heart hurts as I look over the memories from this past year. I am sad, happy, and angry all at the same time. I went into this year with so many expectations, and nothing happened the way that I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, this year was amazing, but nothing like I expected. I was trying to make so many things happen, I thought I could write my own story. Shortly after taking things into my own hands, I was brought back to reality.
I think of the people who were in my life at the beginning of this year, those who said they were with me for the long-run. I think of how some of them aren't here anymore, how I had to mourn their loss. They're not dead, just not apart of my life anymore, so in a way thy are dead, just not physically. I have had people who I know my life story just walk out of my life, act like they never knew me. It's just so weird how people can make such big promises, tell you they'll always be there for you, then leave. It's like from one day to the net they realized they don't want a part in your life anymore. It's sad how people think that's okay. I have had to let go of my negative feelings toward them and realize there must be a reason, even if I don't get why. People have seasons, they are in your life for a time, I realize that now. It's okay, the ones that really need my attention are those who love me and care for me now. Those are the people I need to focus my energy on. I love those who love me, and pray for those who don't. I'm not perfect, but I care about people. I care about them so much because it's what Jesus would want me to do. Plus it makes me happy. When I think about the wrong things people have done to me this year and the years before it makes my head hurt, brings that pain up again. It comes back to the point to where it feels like a fresh wound again. I can't do that anymore, cause myself that pain. I have to let go and move on. Saying it is easier than actually doing it, but saying it is half the battle. There are so many things going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. There's so much going on that I can't let the negativity get to me. I am blessed, I am alive, healthy, and live a pretty awesome life. So why would I spend my time worrying about what I don't have? That's just selfish. I didn't know what I was getting myself into at the beginning of 2015, and I'm not so sure I know what the next 365 days hold either. I can take a guess, I can dream, I can plan, but I don't know for sure. I do know that 2016 is a new year, a new season, and it holds so many surprises"Everyday above ground is a good day." I can't wait each day to open a new adventure. I'm just here for the ride, whatever God has for me has got to be good! I live by the quote "Everyday Is An Adventure" cause it's true (good or bad). I feel there is a theme for each year. Last year it was "Let go," the year before that was "Healing", This year I feel it's "Change," so we'll have to see. For so long I have been afraid of change, being brought out of my comfort zone. I can't live in fear anymore, I've been terrified of life for far too long. I took this picture in August while spending a few day in Paris. I was exhausted from the twelve days I had just spent in Oxford and London, but I was in Paris. The city of lights, the city of love, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Out of all the things I remember while being there was how well the people treated us. I am not a person who can speak French very well, and while being over there we were told that people don't like Americans that come with an "expectation" that they will speak English. I tried to speak as much French as I knew (which wasn't a lot) but I failed miserably. I would try and the workers at a restaurant or market would see me struggle and then speak to me in English. Not one person I encountered while being there was rude to my friends and I. I still can't believe the things that have happened, I'd give anything to be back over there. When 9/11 hit they held an American flag to show they supported us. For the first time since 1889 the city of lights went dark. Now in this time crisis we need to stand by them. Paris is in a state of emergency. News has just come in that Isis has struck in Paris Friday night in several different places. There is two suicide bombers that have struck in Paris and many people are scared. One of the main attacks was in the Bataclan Concert Hall during a performance by Eagles of Death Metal concert. It was one of the four venues that were targeted in attacks. The venues were a soccer stadium, restaurant, concert hall, and a movie theater. The devastation is continuing to grow. At least 100 people were held hostage inside the venue. We have received word that they are now being released from the two attackers that were keeping them inside. The number of deaths is at 40 people as we know at the moment. And it just keeps getting worse. The president has called for a state of mergency and no one is going in or out of Paris. Many are escaping but it is now being brought out that about 100 people may be dead. One man has been arrested and he has stated that he was Syrian and hired by Isis with two others to perform this attack. Isis keeps growing and this problem keeps getting worse. President Obama has come out and said that there should not be speculations on who is attacking. This statement alone is sickening. He will not call this what it really is. He is dancing around the truth and is trying to avoid it. The attacks keep coming and the devastation is sickening. The lives that have been lost are continuing to grow. Continue to pray with us for this country and the people that they have been lost and those that are suffering from the loss. God has a funny way of bringing things together in your life. he knows exactly what hes doing when it comes to a plan for your life. being able to meet with Dustan and Darlene Stanley was probably the best decision I've made in a while. from the moment i heard that they were in town from one of their missions trips, i knew i needed to talk to them. i had first heard of them on JCTV with their TV show on their missions trips and how they have traveled the world together sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. On Friday night I was prompted by my mother to contact them and see if we could meet during the time that they were staying here in California. A few hours after contacting them they replied to meet with me the following Wednesday for coffee at a place in Tustin. Surprised they even responded I agreed to meet, and my excitement shot through the roof. come Wednesday morning I was under the impression we were meeting at 11am, checked my phone at 9am, we talked about meeting at 10am. As my stress levels started to jump i promptly got dressed and made my way over there. before I left there had been some conflict with my other as I was leaving, and everything seemed to be going wrong. In the middle of my stressing i stopped the worldly music calmed myself down and started praying. I was asking for the Lord to be able to use me during this time and prepare myself for what he had in store in the time to come.
As I pulled into the parking lot the rush of reality started to hit. This couple that I had followed for so many years was about to meet with me in person. I walked to the back of the coffee shop (where they informed me they were already sitting) and as i saw them, I had to stop for a second and really let it sink in that they were really there. My heart raced as I opened the door, as I walked out they both arose to greet me with a warm welcome and a hug. We sat down and started talking about the church I have been attending since I was a child. Come to find out Darlene is actually related to one of our old youth leaders and the humor of living in such a small world began our conversation. from there we started talking about my schooling and my life as a college student. From there our conversation began to take the path of knowing what God's calling is for my life. I start by sharing how I feel i'm on the right path of what God wants me to do with my life, but there have only been hints given and nothing specific yet. Dustan then begins to share how since he was a little boy he would look in the mirror and speak as if he was speaking to a live audience. He starts sharing how Darlene as a little girl would pack her bags waiting for Jesus to take her to Africa in the middle of the night. As young people they were given hints as to what God was leading them to as adults. We then start the transition into discussing relationships and how easy it can be as young person to desire to fall in love and become one with the person God has for you. I begin to share of my heartbreaks in the past and how by stepping out to do my own thing I only ended up being hurt and left broken. As a woman who has dedicated her life to the ministry and following the plan God has for me I really don't have time to be focusing on other things. By following the ways of this world I was caught up in my own selfish ambitions and ended up being broken and hurting someone else in the process. I have also committed myself to saving my first kiss for my wedding day and for almost 19 years I have been able to keep that commitment. It has been a challenge and I haven't made it easy for myself but with God's help and the help of my parents I have been able to keep away from crossing boundaries I will regret in the future. Dustan starts sharing how he had been in a long-term relationship before meeting Darlene, and shares how difficult it was for him to cut the connection after being emotionally attached for so long. He tells how as of now he can't even remember details of the past relationship thanks to God healing his heart and making him whole again. it took a while for him to come to the place of being right with God again but after he stopped fighting to do things his way. Once he was able to give himself up and let the Lord move five months later he met Darlene. Darlene on the other-hand had been in the same position too, she had been hurt in the past and was ready to let God move and have his way. She knew as a young woman she was called to missions and wanted someone who would walk alongside her in her calling. Being instructed by her mother, she was given the words of wisdom, "Don't look for someone who says they have a heart for missions, find someone who's already apart of missions." Not knowing that Dustan had already been on several missions trips and knew that was his calling. During the time Dustan had devoted himself to stop searching and let the Lord move, Darlene had done the same. Five months after those commitments were made they met up as he found her blog and started reading about her trip to Thailand. They got in contact and started talking from there. During the next three months they began to talk more frequently, both were cautious though. Keeping their hearts guarded and "testing the waters" so to say, to see whether this was the right direction they needed to go. After sometime Dutsan agreed to meet with Darlene as he had made a trip from Mississippi to California to see her. Meeting up with a, friend he started making his way to see her at her church in Anaheim. His buddy was into riding motorcycles (this is where the story gets interesting.) As they were making their way to Anaheim they get into an accident on the 5 freeway and Dustan's foot appears to be broken. With no contacts in California, they are forced to call Darlene to come and help them out. As she makes her way over to Inglewood with her mother, the two are patiently waiting. it was a crazy first meet but it was definitely an exciting one. A couple days later Dustan, with his black and blue bruised ankle was talking with Darlene and she feels led to pray for him. After she gets done praying he's able to walk on his foot, and its better than it was before. Over the next couple days they began talking and meeting more, after meeting her family, they knew he was the one. There had been a peace and confirmation that ha set into the heart's of her parents. Being a little skeptical about him (only to protect herself and her heart) she was relying on her parents to be able to hear from the Lord on this one. She wanted it to be the right decision if she carried on with this, there was no room for mistakes. After she flew out to meet his family they agreed as well. A little while after that Dustan flew out to see Darlene and (with permission from her parents) he proposed and they were married in the fall of 2006. Two years later they began filming their show about their travels. Being a person who believes in True-Love and fairy tale endings I was blown away. I have been reading a book by a pastor who is also a close friend called "Single For Now" and one of the sections explains about finding yourself as a whole before being joined to someone else. Many believe that when two people get married they become a pair but as Tammy Sevcov likes to put it "With God, his math is always Multiplication," so instead of having "1+1=2" God sees it as "1x1=1." Being a single person is supposed to be the sweetest and most enjoyable time of a person's life (through him) before being paired up. If a person though during their single life is focused on being married and worrying about not "ending up alone" they can lose sight of who God is trying to create them to be. As a young adult, I am beginning to find out who I am. How can i be expected to then go take care of someone so-to-speak if I don't even know who I am or what I am called to do? I need to become "whole" myself before I go into anything else or else I can become distracted and make a wrong decision. How can one be expected to enter a destination in a GPS if they haven't been told what that destination is? You need to know where you're going before you can start making your way there. We kept talking and began to move into knowing "who you are" and staying focused on the path that is set before you before and enjoying every moment of it. Discovering who you are is the most exciting thing of you're life. Enjoy it while it's here, because it's only for a short while before the transition into the real world fully takes place. Before out time ended they were prompted to pray over me and give me a word of encouragement. Dustan started to share that he felt led to give the analogy of staying focused and "As you focus on God and his path, you won't be swayed by any distractions." He ended by telling me "Not to settle!" Darlene was also prompted to pray that I be surrounded by those like-minded and keep on the path that is set before me. Our time together was short, but it has left an impact on me that the way I've been raised, the way that i'm living is the on the right track. I have made mistakes in my past that I am not proud of, but everything has taught me a lesson and has made me the person I am now. I am not sorry for the life I have lived, I am exactly where I need to be. God has an amazing plan for my life and I am excited to see what it is going to be. this journey is one I will never get back. Life is good, god is good, he knows what he's doing. Among the chaos of life and the ups and downs keeping the noise down and letting God speak is crucial. As long as I put myself in the position to hear him speak I will be okay. I wait in anticipation to be able to meet with the amazing couple again. Today was entirely different than what I expected, but God knew it was EXACTLY what I needed. God is good! |
AuthorReggie is a college gradute with a degree in English. She loves traveling and hopes to one day stay on the battle field for missions. Life is a book and everyday is an adventure, follow her on this journey and see the world through her eyes. Archives
November 2017
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