I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, now I’ll never get to.
One day you were here, a moment later you were gone. I’ll never be okay, it wasn’t supposed to end like this. You left a hole in my heart that no one could fill. You were a light that was shining bright, a light that has left darkness in my life. Everyday I’ll miss you still, everyday I’ll be hurting till, we meet again. I know you’re okay, but once again, it hurts while you’re gone. It hurts to have to be this strong. You weren’t supposed to leave us like this. How can we ever get back the moments we missed.
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I have been trying to think of the right words to say. To somehow make this post okay. I’m hurting, like the rest of us. I tried to protect you, encourage you, and be there for you when you needed me, so hearing that you’re Doesn’t seem real to me. I never found our baby pictures like you wanted, We didn’t get to have that spa day, or even celebrate your birthday. I’m so mad that you won’t be here for my graduation. If I would’ve known that last week was going to be the last time that I saw you I would’ve hugged you for a little bit longer I would’ve said I loved you once more. I would’ve tried to spend more time with you over this past week and I would’ve been quicker to reply to your messages sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most just like the rest of our family supposed to happen like this we were supposed to celebrate your birthday in two weeks we were supposed to have a few more laughs together you would’ve made another joke about how cute we were his kids and wondering what happened to us now we would’ve played another round of cards against amenity and taking one more selfie together. I can hardly breathe and I don’t really believe that you’re gone but I hope you’re in a better place and that you’re not in pain anymore just know that we miss you here dearly. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to find her baby pictures to send them to you sooner. Remember what I told you don’t let anybody make you feel less then because you were really someone special you would been by my side since we were children and I’m glad that you’re not gonna be here anymore. I love you forever miss you dearly. They say life life happens but they never prepare you for the affects of it. My heart is broken. When I got the call the sun was setting, my heart stopped. The worse had come. He was gone. I was watching the angels play The first home game since Tyler Skaggs passed and the moment I sat down in my seats, my mother called to tell me my cousin was dead. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Haven’t been able to catch my breath since.
Miss you dearly. 26 June, 2019
Who would have thought that so much would happen in two years. When I started to get my masters degree I never thought I would lose 3 uncles, Two relationships, countless fights with my family, gain a crap ton of debt, go through two mental breakdowns and have skyrocketing anxiety. So much has happened, but I’ve made it here. Here at 23 it’s the same old me. I’ve learned so much in school and in life. I’m not scared to be on my own. I’m not scared to face the real world, and I’m Ready for whatever is next. If it wasn’t for my support system of my family and close friends, I never would have made it. Not to mention that I will be speaking at one of the biggest literally conferences in November as well. It’s been a crazy ride, but I’m glad I’ve made it. I’m ready to close this chapter and see what God has in store. Whatever comes my way, I’m. Ready to take it Day by day. As I walked down the halls for the last time. I couldn’t help but take pictures. See the school in it’s entirety for the last time. No more rushing to class after work. No more staying til 9pm or dying to find parking. My academic career is coming to an end, but oh what a crazy chapter it’s been. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Polaroid
It’s a tiny page A dash of color A white border, Just like the others. Within the space, Holds a time and place. A person A memory, that i wanted forever with me Though it’s small, It holds my world and all The good The bad, The in between. A year has come and gone. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I’ve accepted it. This was where our story ended. I don’t wish you harm. I hope you’re well. I used to get sad when I would reminisce, but there’s something different about the memories with you. Letting was hard, but loving myself has been easy. Letting go of being half loved to truly fall in love with myself. I don’t miss you, I don’t think about you too much anymore. You’re still in everything I write. I wish it wasn’t true, even though you’re gone, you live within the lines I write. Your memory lingers like a ghost. You chose to leave, and I had to stay, but it was the best decision you ever made. They say you found a new love, I hope it works out for you. I know it won’t though, because how can you love her when you don’t love you? How can you give her your all when you’re missing pieces? Broken inside and still telling lies. People ask me how I feel, I’m just glad the life you’re ruining is no longer mine. You can keep your lies, your abuse, your drugs, hope she’s prepared to handle you like I did. I hope one day you’ll see how brave I was for helping carry your load, and for carrying you (literally) when you were too high to walk on your own. I bent over backwards for you, you tried to break my back. I gave my all to you, you never even said thank you. When they ask me how I feel, I tell them I’m good. Yet, O feel sorry for you, cause Karma’s coming, (times 2). You’ll get what you deserve, it sure as hell wasn’t me. I’ll find a man who will love me truly, in the meantime, all I need it me. Happy anniversary, hope you spent it well. Cause this time next year, your name won’t even ring a bell.
As I sit here in the waiting room. The waiting room of my school’s wellness center, waiting for my therapist. I can’t help but feel like someone needs to hear this.
It’s okay to ask for help, You’re strong when you ask for help rather than trying to take everything in alone. I’ve been coming to therapy for almost six months now, when I was at my lowest. Dealing with anxiety, wondering what other people think, I couldn’t help but try to take care of everything on my own. I was drowning, Felt like I was suffocating. Then I reached out my hand and someone pulled me up. The work has not been easy, life complicated things. Life is not going to slow down, Between work, school, social, and family life, Nothing is going to be easy, But I’m working on handling it all. I am learning to breathe. This is hard for me to talk about, But if I could ask for help, then so can you. We’re coming to the end of Mental Health Awareness Month, but getting help mentally is a year round thing. When I first received this book, I was in a good place. I read it so many times my heart was overflowing with emotions. I love the way the poems read, how they flowed, the emotions they evoked. Yet, i felt removed, I felt I was reading someone else’s story. It was good, but I couldn’t relate. Now looking over it again, after heartbreak, they all mean something a little but different. Not that I mean I needed heartbreak, but now I can see what she was seeing. I find myself in her shoes, wondering why, trying to rebuild again. I feel the pain a little deeper. It’s no longer just words on the page, they are my words too, spoken for me, when I couldn’t find the strength to get them out. I find myself no longer in despair over having my heart broke, but in the final stages of rebuilding. As I was looking through, I found this single page, with the corner folded over, and I wondered why I did that. Back in 2017 this book was newly published, and I was in a good place. I can’t remember why I marked that page. It’s almost like the girl I was then, was preparing for the woman I am today. Saving this spot, for me to look over again. Read this page in victory. As I read the page, I began to cry tears of joy. This is exactly how I feel now. I could see him in the coffee shop, not worry about looking my best, and feels so relieved and amazing, because I’m not longer missing him. I am not longer under his spell, I could see him for what he is. I am not the one who lost, He did. I can’t help but thank my past self for leaving that there for me. A small fold, a single page, a victory won. A woman discovered.
Since I was a little girl, I always wanted an English Bulldog. They were so cute and fun. They would also make me cry. Something about them made me so happy Is hold cry. I know this sounds dumb, but it’s true.
So over the years I have searched for some, in hopes of finding my own. I knew they were expensive and as I got older I knew they would require a lot of work. I talked about getting one with the boy I wanted to marry at 21. Then at 22 with the boy I almost married. And since then I needed to focus on me, what I needed, and how to better myself. Being in school, working full time, and hardly having a social life, I’ve started to become sad. Sad over just the lack of excitement in my life and feeling stuck. Yet, instead of running to Europe (or mainly anywhere outside of California) I needed to finish summer school. I needed to maintain a my work schedule. I also needed to get into the habit of paying debt down. (So the next thing I’m going to say contributes to all except being smart with finances). I was browsing around for puppies, just to see what was out there. I found this person who posted a cute English Bulldog for $1,8000. I don’t have that money but contacted the person and asked about it. It was a fun thought and though it was cute, I couldn’t do it. About a week later I get a text from the person saying they’ll give me the dog for $1,500. English bulldogs go easily for $2,000-$3,500 so this is a steal. I still couldn’t do it. By maxing out my credit card (don’t try this at home) and with the amount from my upcoming check, I was able to come up with $1,000. Not expecting this, I told the person the amount I had and they said they would sell the puppy to me for that price. I freaked out and drove up that night to pick her up. After sending a $100 deposit for the dog through Venmo, I figured out that the lady was a dog breeder, so it wasn’t a scam. When I picked up the dog, I near cried. This puppy was mine. The lady told me there was someone else who wanted the dog too and was willing to pay the $1,700, but something told her to sell it to me. I had prayed for the dog and knew there was something else she didn’t see. God saved this dog for me. I told her she made a little girl’s dream come true. The puppy is healthy, happy, and I’m still in shock when I look at her. It’s been almost a week and feels like she’s been here for years. I’m happier than ever. It was like God knew just what I needed, and when I needed it. Say hello to Nori Lennon. (Yes, Nori like seaweed). In my time of travels I have been able to go to Europe several times. I have had the privilege to go to Paris twice as well. Both times I said I wouldn’t go back until I was going back with my husband. Both times I went, I was able to spend a good amount of time at Notre-Dame. After hearing and seeing the fires on Monday I have been heartbroken.
The church was was not only a historic site, rest for over 853 years, but a symbol of the Catholic Church. It was a place of refuge through many events. And even made way to the hearts of many American children through the Disney movie of the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. Though people are sending money tthough GoFund me accounts there are many that are not real. So if you decide to help, look for legitimate places to send funds. The devastation of the fires has rung true to people all over the world. Leaving every one in tears. This place has given people a place of hope, a place to unite, and a place that not only tells of history but is history. My fondest memory of Notre-Dame was during this time last year. I was in Europe on a month long tour. Going through to eight different countries. On a different flight every few days. I was tired, and Paris was the last stop on our trip. My friends and I had been tired and drained emotionally, physically, and just all around exhausted. We walked no less than five or six miles daily, and that was just the minimum. On on our last night in Paris, we walked to Notre-Dame after dinner in sea ch of crépes and found some close by. Once we had them, we walked to the front of the church, and just sat there. It was just in the movies. The bells had rung, and there was a man playing the accordion and we just sat and enjoyed it. We waited and listened, just enjoying it all. I was dancing around and laughing with my friends. Amazed that I was in the city of love, I needed a moment longer to just take it in. I will I’ll never forget that night. I will never forget how it felt. My heart breaks for the city and the history that is lost. Yet, through everything I know that Paris will come back from this like they always do. We are standing with Paris and what Notre-Dame meant to us all. I’ve always said that everyday is an adventure. The idea with that is just to appreciate life and the ups and downs. You can have the whole day planned out, and it just doesn’t work out. Finding the beauty in going with the flow is difference between trying to be in control and letting go. Your attitude towards the changes are what will affect you the most. Today I woke up, my only day off, at the same time I normally would for work. Instead of just wasting away, my mom and I went to breakfast. We ate at the Caf at my school and enjoyed it all. We walked around and gave her the grand tour. Since I’m graduating with my masters this year we bought some merchandise to commemorate the occasion. Thereafter, we divided to stop by our local thrift store and do a little shopping. From everything we got we had 1 snowboard 2 pairs of heels (Ralph lauren) 8 grandpa sweaters 1 picnic basket 5 tea plates 6 books (one vinyl book set with 5 records) 1 glass flower vase 1 side table And in total spent $60 We also found one book that was interesting. It an older version of Tom Sawyer, but the interesting thing was that there was a note on it. It read “Janet I have had this book for twenty years...” and it read on and gave an address and said that they were sorry to have had the book for so long. How cute was that to find it there. It is also sad because it apparently didn’t make it back to its owner. This is the beginning of a movie. Shopping at the Salvation Army one of those moments where bought more than we would but for less than what we expected. My mom had also been talking about designing this mosaic wall she wanted for so long. So instead of talking any longer we headed to Lowe’s and bought the materials we needed to get it started. We came home, set up shop, and just went for it. We had some challenges with the glue and paste, but we figured it out. Eventually got it going. We didn’t hesitate, and had more fun with it by playing some old Louie Armstrong. We worked for a couple hours, and stopped as the sun was setting. To some this may seem to be just a random day of events and running errands. To my mom and I, it was exactly the adventure we needed.
It was a day of enjoyment, a day of peace. Where the day could lead us in any direction and we were ready. Who knows if the people we talked to today needed to see a friendly face. Who knows if there’s a reason we now hold this book in possession. Who knows if this day of a mother daughter bonding would be one less adventure we share together. Who knows what the future holds, we have today. Today was one of those days that I will remember for the rest of my life. When I leave my house to start my own family, I pray I will have days like this with my future family. To share the creativity with. To tell my children of their grandmother, her strength, her imagination, and her love. We don’t have forever, we have right now. I have had so many regrets in life, so many people I let slip by, so many memories I can’t get back. So I refuse to let anymore of them pass me by. Today was one of those days that I siezed. Every year for valentine’s Day. I buy myself a piece of Tiffany jewelry. Last year it was little necklace. The classic Tiffany one, with my initials on the back. I loved and cherished that necklace so muc, i never took it off. Until one time over the summer I was going swimming. I knew to take it off because chlorine would tarnish it. So for the first time in four months I took it off. I slipped it into my shorts picked and though it was protected while I swam. A couple hours later when I went to put my shorts back on, my necklace was nowhere to be found. I searched for what seemed like forever, but it was nowhere to be found. In attempt to save it, by my own hands I lost it. I guess you could say it’s the same for love in general. You try to save it, cherish it, but sometimes we bring on our own demise. We try to save someone, or even something so special, and by attempting to do so, we lose it anyways. Our fear of losing it becomes a reality at our own hand. Yet, sometimes, losing something (or someone) is inevitable. If it’s meant to be “it’ll be” as they say. So on the other hand, if it’s not meant to be, we’re going to lose it whether we like it or not, right? I guess this was a lesson I learned too late.
I didn’t lose him, He didn’t lose me. We tried so hard to make the puzzle pieces fit that we were damaging the edges on the way out. We were never meant to be. Like lovers in the majority of the Nicholas Sparks films, we weren’t meant for forever. People try to say you’ll never recover from a lost love, but in reality, we didn’t really have love. We had this idea of love, idea that was warped from the start. I guess I can thank Nicholas Sparks for that. For the misconstrued idea of love. That’s it’s either perfect, or so perfect one of us has to die and mourn the loss of the other forever, leaving the audience with wrenching pain that they will speak of for life. The kind that they will also search for, and if it doesn’t meet their standards then it can’t possibly be love, can it? I blame Sparks, the books, and especially Disney, for this generations’ idea of love that is solely that, an Idea, a thought, that doesn’t exist. I blame everyone in the church who claims that God has “the one” for them, when this is the fifth person they’ve said that about. We don’t truly know what love is, but we think our idea of it is correct. I guess that’s why I can’t blame him for his definition of it. But I blame him for trying to convince he knew what Love really was. Truth is, he didn’t. Truth is, I didn’t either, I still don’t. I do know that I loved a version of him that didn’t exist. I know that I made a commitment to him, and I intended to stick it out, but I guess he wasn’t strong enough to lift that load with me. In the end, days like today, (especially today) leave me wondering if love actually exists. If it does, will I ever have it? Or is the idea of love going to be the closest I ever get to the real thing? Well, it was Plato that believed in the theory of forms. So maybe I’m not that far off from love afterall. Where were you after it was all said and done? Where were you when he was up and about? Where were you after we almost lost him the first time and the dust settled?
Nowhere to be found, that’s where you were. I was there. I was there after that night that was supposed to be his last. I was there asking him about his past. I was there to sit and hear his stories, and share in whatever time he had left. So don’t come trying to cry now. I was the one who was there on his birthday, just he and I and his brother. We were there, because I made the effort. I wasn’t always a hundred percent on it, but at least I tried. Don’t come and say that you miss him now that he’s dead. You could have seen him while he was still living. You don’t have to be missing him because you could have been there with him. He was there with his grandkids. The ones who loved him the most. I loved him to. I wish I could have been there, but I can’t pretend anymore. It’s not fair that others put in the work and people take the credit. I’m not looking for praise, it justice. You don’t get to play the victim, do not let him die in vain, for your gain. This isn’t a contest. It’s not about who can cry the most. This isn’t a show. You don’t get the Oscar for the ugly Kim cry. A life was lost. Like I’ve said before, I’ll never understand why death unifies people more than life. It’s not fair to anyone, to pretend, to put on a show. No one is watching. When I go, don’t cry for me. If I stop breathing don’t send for a cop. Don’t mourn my loss, because for me it’s a gain. Until then, why wait for the end, when Life is still here. When it may be challenging but still good. Why do you wait to die to truly live? I’ll never understand. I look back on 2018.
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AuthorReggie is a college gradute with a degree in English. She loves traveling and hopes to one day stay on the battle field for missions. Life is a book and everyday is an adventure, follow her on this journey and see the world through her eyes. Archives
November 2017
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